Crumbled Petals

I walked out of the kitchen, leaving there my self-control, into the dining room where they were to be waiting on lunch.  And I yelled.  He crumbled those pretty dried hydrangeas I adore each morning and grinned with delight as they scattered over the food stained rug.  I watched them fall, expressing to him what an act it was…inappropriate and disrespectful.  He interrupted me, and I yelled.  He’s 3.  I’m 32.

My heart dropped when I saw their faces.  The oldest 2.  And the oldest says, “Mommy, do you know how that makes me feel?” And the younger, crying, “Mommy, you hurt my feewins!!!” 

And I rarely use this word….hate.  But I HATE it when I lose self-control.  And I cannot take it back.  They remember that scary moment when mama lost it.  Over crumbled flowers.  That will come back in abundance next year.  It’s not like he stole a 20 from my wallet and tore it to shreds.  God help me if that happens! (Or help him!)

The emotions flooded me, all at once.  These 3 that I am entrusted with stare at me wide-eyed in fear.  If only I had an eraser. As soon as it flew out of my heart and across my tongue, I knew it was wrong.  All wrong.  Certainly, I wanted his behavior to change.  But not in this way.

Arms stretched, I asked them to come.  They ran.  Nearly knocking me down.

I whispered I love you’s and I’m sorry’s in each ear.  Holding back tears, my heart still aching hard.  It is not ok for me to have a meltdown in front of these 3! How can I teach them to control their temper’s and attitudes with one another, to treat each other the way they want to be treated, to show unconditional love and honor for their siblings, when mama can fly off over crumbled petals!

Plates were placed and they scooted chairs in to me like I were a magnet.  And I asked if I may pray today.  And this is what healed my heart.

Father, you gave me 3 children to guide. To raise.  I showed them the wrong attitude today.  Would you forgive me for yelling and help me to be a better mama each day?  I love you.  Amen.  Oh, and please bless this food.

The oldest grabs my arm, hugging tight, and told me thank you for fixin’ her lunch.  

And I kissed that red-head on the cheek…and he said, I wuv you mommy.

They are sleeping and I’m thinking of how grateful I am.  That they were a reflection of the Father’s love for this mother.  They forgave instantly.  Wanting to be near, their love vast beyond all measure. Oh, that I may forgive others.  Myself, even.  Just like these 3.

How hard and humbling for our children to see our humanity.  Though I hope not, I know in my heart I’ll fail many times over and over.  And I pray broken and contrite will be this mother’s heart.  That it dims the failure and draws them closer to me.  To Him. 

I join David in asking,

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

 

blessings from an imperfect mama who is sooooo thankful for His grace,

~k.

 

 This post is “linked” today at

 

Comments

  1. And AGAIN, dear Kristen, you have taught them invaluable lessons.
    -No one, not even Mommy, is perfect!
    -How to admit fault!
    -How to ask for forgiveness! (from God & those offended)
    -And obviously, sometime in the past, you’d already shown them how to forgive!
    Just another home run in my book!! Our daily failures produce our greatest opportunities to teach, those entrusted to us, lessons that will serve them for a lifetime.
    JAM <3

  2. My sweet, dear Kristen… reading this made me cry. I cried for those little ones, and for you. But my heart is so full. Because you, my precious daughter, are such a wonderful mother. And I agree with everything Jeff said about you too. I love your openness, your transparency. In your imperfection, you teach.
    I am so proud of you.
    I love you,
    Mom

  3. THANK YOU Kristen, for this post!!I too have had my moments and wish that Ayden (and Liam soon) will only take the “good” from these situations. I pray that God will use me to teach and train the children HE has entrusted us with. I too, know that i am not perfect but in knowing that, it is still heart wrenching to have these moments. Thank you for your transparency and just being “real”. :) If I am half the mother you are….I am making progress!! :)

    Love You!
    Ashley

  4. You are a wonderful mother, Ashley. And when we know from where our strength comes…we’re ok! :) Can’t wait to meet that new little one! We miss you guys so much. Love you lots and lots!

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  1. […] I could write all day long about my failures, but I chose this one for this sweet journey. Adapted from the post, “Crumbled Petals”: […]

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